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We're gonna try something a
little different for this review. Since I can't even
THINK of this game without spewing expletives like some sort
of uncouth volcano, we're going to look at things from the
programmers' perspectives. You know, in the interest of
fairness (and if you believe that, I've got a bridge and a
copy of this game to sell you...).
We find Team Saurus walking
through the door of the office of the monkey who's apparently
running things over at SNK
Programmer
#1: "You rang?"
SNK
CEO: "Yes. This project is important...
so important, we needed our best men to work on it. But
since they're currently busy with King of Fighters '96, we
decided to hire you guys instead."
Programmer
#2: "Ah... desperation. It's the only
thing that keeps outside developers like us in business!
Well, that and plenty of sake."
SNK
CEO: "Anyways, we need you to create a fighting
game for us-"
Programmer #1: "Big
surprise!"
SNK CEO: "AHEM... as I
was saying, this one's going to be a bit of a departure for
SNK. We need the graphics for this game rendered, so we can
cash in on the success of that flashy Nintendo game that was
released a while back."
Programmer
#3: "Ren...dered?"
Programmer
#1: "Isn't that how they turn horses into glue
or something?"
Programmer #2: "No,
no, you morons! It's that computer drawn stuff they used
to make that hit movie. Y'know, Tron!"
SNK
CEO: "Hoo boy... well, at least you've
got SOME idea of what we need from you. Now get to work and
bring us an alpha of the game in about a
month."
Programmer #1: "Alpha?
HA! We'll have the game FINISHED in about a month!"
Later, at the Saurus home
office, which used to be some guy's tool shed
Programmer
#2: "OK, let's get started. Did you get
everything we needed?"
Programmer
#1: "Let's see... shareware rendering tools,
check."
Programmer #3: "What's
this? It says here that some features are disabled after
thirty days if you don't send money to the
designer."
Programmer #1: "Eh, how
useful could texture mapping be, anyways? Now what
else... The library's last copy of C Programming For
Dummies, check."
Programmer #2:
"This is too complicated! Why didn't you get C For The
Brain Dead like I asked you to?"
Programmer
#1: "For the last time, it was already loaned
out to some guys from T*HQ! Now shut your hole and read
the damned book!"
Programmer #2:
"printf? Guys, did they release a printer for the
Neo-Geo? And how come it can only print out the letter
'f'?"
Programmer #1: "Finally, a
copy of a game with computer rendering in it. You know,
as a point of reference."
Programmer
#3: "Hey, X-Perts! That sounds like
fun!"
Programmer #2: "Well,
everything's here. Let's get crackin'..."
A month passes. Team
Saurus returns to SNK headquarters with a 98% finished EPROM
in tow
SNK CEO:
"You IDIOTS!!! This is the worst Neo-Geo fighting game
since... since..."
Programmer #1:
"Samurai Shodown 3?"
Programmer #2:
"Aggressors of Dark Kombat?"
Programmer
#3: "Legend of Success Joe?"
SNK
CEO: "EVER!!! It's the worst Neo-Geo
fighting game EVER! I mean, what the hell happened to
the gameplay? Did you even bother to put any
IN?!"
Programmer #2: "Well, we were
kinda busy making all those rendered
graphics..."
Programmer #1:
"Actually, you should consider yourself lucky. SOMEBODY
left our rendering software in sixteen color mode. It's
a good thing I caught that early on and put it in 128 color
mode where it belongs!"
Programmer
#3: "Heh, heh. Sorry 'bout
that!"
SNK CEO: "You people are
giving me a headache. I'll pay you for your 'work' if
you just promise to leave my office and never come
back."
door slams
SNK CEO:
"I'm going to get fired for this if I don't think of
something, and fast... Wait, I've got it! I'll
give the game two names! That way, when some kid plays
it and tells his friends how awful Ragnagard is, they'll find
a Neo-Geo and play Shinoken instead, never suspecting that
it's the same crappy game! I'm a genius!"
two weeks later, in a random arcade somewhere
in America...
Gamer #1: "You ever play
Shinoken? Wow, what a piece of crap."
Gamer
#2: "No, but it can't possibly be any worse than
Ragnagard!" |
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Shinoken/Ragnagard
SNK/Saurus
Versus
Fighter
 
With all the great fighting games
available for the Saturn, there's no reason to buy this
one. Save your money, and your sanity.
The characters' comments at the
end of each match are in Japanese, but you won't have much
trouble figuring out the rest of the game.
The rounds only take a few seconds
to load, but chances are you'll have more fun staring at the
loading screens than playing the game itself.
Gokuu makes a cameo appearance in
the Saturn version of World Heroes Perfect. Yoda's guest
shot in Soul Calibur IV doesn't seem so ridiculous now, does
it?
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